this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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