My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
