I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
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