Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Randomize
