how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
