Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
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Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
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I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
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