Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
there's paper in my vomit.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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