I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
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What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
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All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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