I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
