I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
