So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
