You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Randomize
