he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
