The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Randomize
