this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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