i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
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Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
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