I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Randomize
