Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
