If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
