On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Randomize
