You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
