I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
