We won't sleep together?
i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
