yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
