That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
