Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
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