last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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