When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
