He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling