Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.