She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
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