I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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