my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
