Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
