im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
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