Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
i now understand why vodka
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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