The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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