my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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