Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
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Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
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Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
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