What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
