Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
tell your sister to shave her snatch
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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