just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
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