im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
