i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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