I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Randomize
