I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
