i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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