WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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