so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
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What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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