2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Randomize
