the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
