Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
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Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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