Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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