just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
You need Xanax blowdarts
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
