From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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