He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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