I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
