my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
It's official drugs can't kill me
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
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