Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
You're like the curious george of whores
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
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