Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Randomize
